Just got into a crazy-shit family argument again. This time, I started it. Wouldn't say I was the core of it (I will never be), but I definitely triggered something this time.
It's all about the money, really. It seems that whenever the topic of money comes up, everyone starts talking 100dB louder. But what has to be said, has to be said. I finally, officially, informed my father about my (somuchmoreexpensivecomparedtolocaluniversitiesbecauseiwastoodumbtoworkhardinpoly) uni fees. The concern of using up 51k for my education got the whole neighbourhood shaking. Needless to say, lots of our deepest and most private shit is made known to more people now. It's really very scary how people are when they're angry. And by angry, I mean barbaric-angry. Like, I-will-kill-you-in-5-seconds kinda angry. I'm not foreign to such things but I still shake when people are like this. But... who wouldn't be, right?
I tried.. my best.. to stay calm. I was! Well, at least I was most calm and had the least emotional outbursts. But that's just me. I've been living all my life with two highly expressive women and I'm still like this. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm only half-woman, or that part of me simply cares about myself only. I might not be known as insensitive because I really do (at least to me) care about people. But sometimes when I think a little further, it may be that I like caring about other people's problems just so that I can gather more people who are in the same shit as me. That's kinda selfish cause I listen to their problems but I seldom tell people the full story of what's going on with me.
I think people worry too much. Education has made us think, apply knowledge, and earn money. I will never doubt the power of education but it has somehow made us too cautious? People nowadays care more about the materialistic things in life rather than focusing on what's going on with their minds. We use our brains to think but it's the mind that makes us who we are and how we act.
I have no idea why I'm talking about all these now, but it has prolly gotta do with a book I'm reading now. Anyways, I have no clue how I should deal with things right now. Sometimes I feel like I should start working first because it makes me feel more protected if I have some money of my own. With situations like this now, where my parents are so fucked up about money issues, I feel the need to earn my own education like many of my friends are doing.
BUT, it may suck to hear this but. We DO have the money for my education! It's either that or I'm really clueless about how much money we have (but I really think I know). It's the problem of WHO. Who is willing to give me that sum of money to study? I thought 50/50 would be a good way to solve this problem but apparently it doesn't work this way for some weird reason.
That's how my family is now. 50/50. I don't know where we stand on the scale of 'Messed-up Families', but if it makes me so fucked, I think it's quite high up. Surprisingly, I have never thought of suicide because suicides are for people who are too dumb to realise that ultimately, they are living for themselves. I have thought of running away from home many times though. (Many x 34565 times) But I know that people who care for me would be really worried because I am such a dumbfuck by nature, and most of the times, there's simply nobody else to runaway to. This is why we have families and homes to 'go back' to everyday.
Ok I feel much better now. I really don't want my blog to become some emo blog. It really isn't. Ultimately, I'm still writing from what I think and not how I feel. Only emo people do that. And yes, I must always emphasize that I am not emo. I really am not. I'm just quieter when I'm not in the correct environment. No offense to anyone who thinks that I'm quiet and emo, but I'm really a crazy, goofy person when I'm with the right crowd. I can talk until you won't want to hear my voice for months. Really.
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